I Survived

I just looked back at my last post called The Sustainer.  I read it and honestly kind of laughed to myself.  I thought it had been hard then.  Little did I know, it was only going to get harder.  This year was one of the hardest I can remember.  It was painful and emotional.  It definitely made me question who I am and if I was cut out for this job.  I have said the words "I must really suck at this."  More times than I could possibly count.  I have cried more times than I ever wanted to.  I have been so angry I stood in my yard and yelled.  But, I survived.  I have felt God and knew He didn't leave me.  I have learned things about my faith and grown.  I have felt God clearly speak to me.  I have CLEARLY heard him say "I see you.  I will not let anything happen without knowing about it and without using it for my glory, if you will just continue following.  I am FAR from perfect.  I messed it up a lot.  I said a lot of things I shouldn't have said.  I allowed anger to be very evident.  I was spiteful when I shouldn't have been.  I chose not to show grace or love.  But there were also times when I know the Spirit worked through me.  He allowed a kind word when I wanted to cuss.  He gave me peace and allowed me to think straight and say and think through situations I shouldn't have been able to.  He gave me the grace to step back and say "there is not one thing I can do about this and I have to accept it."  That may have been the hardest one ever.  I am a fixer and an analyzer.  I want to make it all better and I am determined I have the best solution always.  To be able to just step away and and take whatever happened and realize I cannot make it all better sometimes, I know that was God.  I am not writing this blog for sympathy or even encouragement.  I just want to be transparent and honest.  And I want to have proof that I survived it.  When the storm rages again, I want to have a place to come back to and reassure myself that God walked it with me, and he always will.  That I made it and that I always will if I rely on the source that can work all things for my good. Maybe your week has been bad, maybe the month, or even the year.  I KNOW that God can work in the midst of it.  We have to be willing to acknowledge our own sin in it.  We have to confess what we did to be a contributing factor to it.  If we did nothing we still have to acknowledge that this world is sinful and that it is hard.  And he will take that confession and that contrite spirit and he will uphold us, and he will satisfy our needs.  He is good.  In the midst of all the different scenarios that kept attacking us I never felt I was drowning and I would get to the other side and kind of dust myself off.  I would breathe deep and steady myself.  Every time I honestly remember thinking, "Wow, I survived that better than I thought I would.  I saw God the whole time."  And as I went to sum up my year and thought "Gosh...this year kind of sucked."  I could look back and specifically point out how God showed up and the encouragement he gave me along the way.  I always say, "God is faithful."  But I say it because it is true and I feel it and see it and know it.  He sees me and he loves me and he will walk the crappy stuff with me and with you.  Don't you for one second believe the lie that Satan tries to feed us that God doesn't care.  He cares more than we can fathom and He will prove it to us time and time again.